Writing Again About Writing

It has been so very long since I have updated this blog of mine. I have partly have not had inspiration lately, and partly have not taken the time to write. But why do I keep writing about writing?

God has been very good to me these months of not writing. I often think that it is the busy times where I should be writing the most, and the non-busy times where I have the least to write about. I am going to be starting school in three months, and I am excited about the deadlines that will come my way and make me dive into writing like I desire.

Now that I have used the word writing as much as I can I will stop and send out a picture.

Graduation Day

It is odd how, even though my graduation day has finally come, I still do not feel like I have arrived. It might be because I still have a paper to hand in tomorrow, or maybe it is because of my inability to let things go. I have worked hard this semester, have two A's under my belt, and am exited about the possibility of living without homework over my head. But I still feel as though a certain feeling will never leave, that feeling of something needing to be done, something I need to accomplish. I have lots of dreams in my life, some more realistic than others, but all of them will be something that I have to strive for. By the grace of God I hope that I will arrive, like I arrive at today, with a sense of accomplishment of having worked hard and attained something extraordinary. In some ways I never thought I would graduate, not because I didn't think I could, but it was just so unreal to me. Occasionally, I wonder what graduating even means.

(Unfinished blog)

Motives

The Lord really knows how to convey to me how impure my motives tend to be sometimes, or more truthfully- often. Last year at a conference I was able to connect with a worship team whose leader is one of my heroes and a large contributor to my dance today from his support and encouragement over the years. I had been so overjoyed to be accepted as part of the team and so in looking forward to the conference this year because I was estimating giving of my self more to the team and connecting even more than before. I was looking forward to it so much that my motives become skewed.

Of course I didn't know this fact until I found out last night that my hero actually suggested another team to lead for the conference that he usually leads for. It was after I heard this, that my heart really had to do a work over. I knew that the new team was a good one, an they could do a better job for what the conference needed. But my heart was disappointed, so disappointed that my mind started to go down many paths it shouldn't. The dedication I planned to give to one team wained, and I began to think that it didn't really matter. My gifts would now not be used to their potential and I might as well not go as frequently as I had planned. Why send a note to the worship leader asking if I can practice with them, or pray with them? I couldn't go wholeheartedly into the affair after such a disappointment right?

Ironically the worship leader of the new team also has encouraged me in the dance. She claimed to use me as an example to the dance team that she leads at her church. (She is sort of a superhero... leading a worship team, dance team and being the pastor's wife.) I know that she would welcome my participation and make a place for me as the other team had done. But my heart struggled with begrudging the change. After all it was the only chance of the whole year that I got to dance with the team my hero was on! After a time of soul searching, I realized that I should, and am going to accept the circumstances that have come along and realize that God does all things for the good of those who love Him. Why should I think that the meetings are going to be any less powerful? Or any less anointed?

Oh how far my heart and mind fail in proper thinking and feeling! So as I do this thing, accepting change and embracing the new, my heart goes over David's words is Psalm 19 and I cry out as he did, for God to make me more like Him.

¹² Who can understand his errors?
Cleanse me from secret faults.
¹³ Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins;
Let them not have dominion over me.
Then I shall be blameless,
And I shall be innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴ Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.

Thank you Jesus for redeeming my sins!

I have been wondering where my writing inspiration has gone lately. I have such a desire to write, but my desire only goes far enough to develop a entry in my mind, but not have it fulfilled on the page. Why this is? I do not know, I think it is for the same reason I don't follow through in a lot of things that I need to and want to do.

After listening to the song Beautiful Dreamer.

Everett: Stella are you a beautiful dreamer?

Stella: Yes Everett I am.

Everett: I'm a handsome dreamer.

Stella: You are Everett!

A Sunday to Remember

It started off well. My brother Norman and his wife LeAnne were on a trip so my sisters and I were watching the nephews. Sunday morning was my turn so I took them to church with me. We had a great time except for the end when I was leaving.

My Dad and I had switched cars, it was easier for me to transport the boys in the van, and he was driving up north to preach at a church so I let him take my car. I bundled the boys up and we exited out the back of the church. I started the van and then climbed in the back to buckle them into their seats. They were in. I grabbed my phone and a carton of peanuts to bring in the front seat with me and then I pulled the door shut. After I shut the door I watched in horror as the van automatically locked itself. My heart fell as I watched the little lock buttons fall on both the front and back door-- I had just locked my nephews into the car and we don't have a spare key.

I stood there starring at the side of the car in disbelief. Vehicles are not supposed to lock themselves until you are driving away! Apparently my dad's van didn't know that little piece of information. After trying all the doors I went around the car and started talking to Holt through the window. I told him what had happened and tried to tell him to push the red button between his legs to get out of his seat, but he was not getting it.

I don't think I have felt such a panic feeling before. Obviously they were okay, the car was running and warm, and they were buckled in. But I couldn't get to them, and that felt horrible! It was a weird feeling when I walked into church. I felt embarrassed, worried, and useless. I wanted to tell someone but I realized that no one could really help me, and I felt like crying. I went outside once again. My friend Mike came by, but couldn't really help and he needed to get going. Mike was trying not to laugh even though he felt sorry for me. It was then that I realized this really was a humorous situation. He left and I called Mom and she got a hold of roadside assistance through our insurance company, but it was going to take a while for them to get there.

In the mean time, Blake started to cry. There is no way to calm a one and a half year old through a window. But thankfully soon afterwards he fell asleep. Holt started to get scared after being in his seat for about 20 minutes, and started to cry. I tried to tell him to lay his head back and get a little rest too, but the music was playing in the car so I don't think he could hear me very well.

I got a automated call telling me the estimated arrival of the rescue guy. 30 minutes! And Holt was crying. I was so frustrated, I am a nanny for goodness sake! I take car of children for a living! But my 3 year old nephew was crying and I couldn't help him.

Soon other people were leaving church and came by to try and help. One of the men suggested calling the police because they weren't too far away and could be there in 5 minutes. So I called 911 and told them the situation. My brother Colin and his wife Kristi showed up, they had been at my mother's house and had heard the story.

They tried to talk to Holt and calm him down as well, but to no avail. Finally a truck pulled up and a man jumped out, I was so happy to see him! He had a lot of contraptions and after I signed papers started to go to work. Not even a minute later the police showed up as well. We were starting to look like we were having a party outside in the back of the church. The officer went in his trunk and got out his tool and asked the truck man if he wanted to race to get the van open. The police officer won.

We got it open and Colin got Holt out of his seat and gave him a hug to calm him down. It didn't take too long. I think Holt was more excited to see the "police officer" and the "truck man" rather than actually getting out of his seat. But I was happy that he was okay. Blake was sleeping still so he was just fine! I thanked the officer and the other man. After getting information from me they left.

Oh what an afternoon. I already know I probably won't live this whole experience down for quite a long time. I am more than willing to be the cause of so much laughter and hilarity. Carrie hugged me when I got home and said "out of all of us it would happen to you!" Yes, I do tend to have random things happen to me. So even though I had to wait outside in the cold for 45 minutes, it really turned out okay. I am thankful that they really weren't in danger, that Blake fell asleep (a 1.5 year old in a car seat for that long could be ugly,) and especially that Holt didn't have to use the bathroom during that time.

I don't think Holt will be scarred for life or anything, despite the tears, he was having too much fun later recounting the story to everyone. I had made sure on the drive home that he knew what REALLY happened. Later I smiled as he told his dad, "the car accidentally locked us in, and the police officer and the truck man got me out!"

Sights Seen on the Way to KC

Enough road kill to feed a small country.

A random item that looked like a 14 foot tall boxing glove on a trailer that was driving on 35 north as I was driving south.

Bad traffic in Des Moines Iowa.

Car sized freeway symbols painted on the pavement in Des Moines.

Blood Red Sun and a crescent moon.

Fears

I have realized lately that while driving in the car, or riding with other people, that I have acquired quite a fear of being in a car crash again. Specifically getting rear ended or to rear end someone else. It seems to be rather obvious that getting rear ended as I did that I would be a little more cautious about driving. But I now realize that it must have effected me deeply. Every time someone else I am driving with, or myself, has to put the breaks on more quickly than normal my entire body tenses up and my adrenaline starts to pump much quicker than it used to. It is not pleasant because it takes a little while for my body to return back to normal after such occurrences.

I faced this fear even more when we went to Disney's Epcot last week. There was a ride called Fast Track that simulated a vehicle testing system. During the briefing I grew a little tense at the thought of the quick turns and bumps the ride would take us on. I had been worried about the jerking it might do to me, and while waiting in line I actually considered turning around and not going on the ride. Oh my! I am not used to being afraid of things like that. I did go on the ride and braced myself through the whole thing, but thankfully it really wasn't that bad. I enjoyed it. I chose not to go on it a second time, but I did enjoy it. It is weird what a traumatic experience such as getting in a car crash can do to you. Hopefully I will not have such a fear for too much longer.

Amazing What People Do For Fun

I got woken up early this morning, way earlier than I was intending to, because my Dad had a flat tire. He was getting ready to go to a week long t-shirt sales event in Oshkosh Wisconsin and getting a flat was the last thing he needed.

Later a neighbor came to our door and informed us that he was out taking a smoke late at night and he heard laughter and saw a man walking down the street and stopping at certain cars. He then noticed that his car tire was slashed and realized that the man had done it to his as well as others. He yelled out to the man to stop, but didn't want to get involved with a man with a knife. I could not believe it when I heard that. What could possess someone to run down a street and slice people's tires, and laugh about it nonetheless?

What I don't understand is why my car wasn't touched. It was sitting right next to dad's car in the front. But I am very thankful that it was okay.

Gloominess

It is odd and strange the thoughts that can be brought about on a dark and gloomy night. I am sitting in my home and the moist air is blowing through the doorway from my deck. I love my home, it truly is a retreat and I enjoy being up high.

From this position I am contemplating friendships and what holds or divides them. There was a period in my life where I had no close friends in which to confide or that I could run to. Teenage years in particular. Then there was a large change and all of a sudden I had some great friends in whom I trusted and I knew who loved me and who I could share anything with. But somehow in the last year and a half that changed. With a few it was just because of physical circumstances had them move away from me. I can understand that, and our long distance relationships are still quite strong.

Yet other relationships simply changed and no matter how hard I tried they could not resemble what they used to be, and I have come to a place where I don't even want to try anymore. How long do you reach out to people if they are not reaching back? How I hate change in relationships. Yet there have been so many lately. I am not sure if I can handle anymore changes being thrown at me. Sometimes it makes me want to withdraw into myself, not to share who I am anymore, to keep myself hidden so that I don't feel rejected once again.

My is this a gloomy blog. I so want to hang a large "DO NOT ENTER" sign around my neck and then take it off when I return home to my family. But God doesn't want me to do that. How am I to be like Jesus if I can't be open like He did? He faced the ultimate rejection. Can I just buck up and face the small ones? I so want to bring Him glory in my life- at this point I just feel sort of wretched with all my ill feelings towards others. I don't want to feel this way! I know I must conquer it, and although I feel like conquering it might be impossible, He says in Matthew 19: 26 that all things are possible with Him. So conquer I will- to the best of His ability in me.

I blame part of this blog on the gloomy weather. Even though I sort of enjoy the weather. Yes I tend to contradict myself quite often.

Man and Dog

It seems that every neighborhood has its peculiarities, but why does it seem that ours has more than others?

One of the most interesting, and annoying, peculiar people in our neighborhood is a man that lives a few houses down. I hadn't noticed him before my mother told me about him, and how his behavior tended to make her a bit upset.

This particular man was tall and thin and had a very little dog, equally thin in dog terms, that he tended to walk past our house quite often. Now that in itself is not something to complain about, if the man is dedicated to walking his little dog, that normally would be considered a good thing. But this man seemed to lack a good sense of propriety that my mother knew of and that she has taught us well in.

On his daily walks this man would walk very slowly through everyone's yard and he would let his dog explore every bush, tree and sidewalk to its own hearts' content. It would not be a problem at all if he were to stay on the public walkway; but no, it was much more to his liking to let his dog explore every inch of the fronts of each house on the block. I wasn't really annoyed too much myself, but it did feel a bit intrusive. For not only did his dog walk through the yards, but since he had quite a short leash the man himself walked up close to all our homes.

Well my mother decided that was enough for her, she didn't want a creepy man walking that close to her house, having his dog poop on her lawn (oh yeah I forgot that part.) So one day she had a chat with him and after that he did not let his dog roam free on our property. Oh how I respect my mother. I hope I can be as bold to speak up about things I do not like.

This has been happening for a long time, but I was just reminded of it yesterday when Carrie and I came home and saw that he was coming down the block with his dog. Exploring the neighbors bushes of course. Carrie exclaimed that we should go slow so we wouldn't meet the "creepy man" who she said walked his dog at 5am when she would go to work. I told her that there was nothing wrong with walking a dog that early, but she exclaimed that that fact must increase his creepiness factor. I wonder if she would think the same thing about a young nice looking man. Hmmmm...

Singin' in the Rain

There are so many movies that I enjoy and can be considered my favorites for different reasons. But there are two movies that I can consider my favorites, one of them is Disney's Beauty and the Beast, the other MGM's Singin' in the Rain. The latter movie I was able to see in play form last night for the first time. Oh how I enjoyed it!

My friend Emma and I had wanted to go to the play as soon as we had heard that it was going to be at the Ordway, and we bought tickets in February. And even though we bought them so far ahead of time I was still surprised to see how close we were to the stage. We were in the forth row from the front!


One of the first times I remember watching Singin' in the Rain was at my friend Ahna's house for her birthday party when we were about 8 years old. It was a sleepover and consisted of many little girls full of popcorn and koolaid running around and dancing to the music. So it was very ironic that her parents bought tickets for the same night that we had purchased our tickets. Emma, Carrie and I had planned and mistakingly forgot to ask Emily if she wanted one. But she was able to come with as well as our friend Ahna. (Way to bomb her parents date night.) But it was so much fun.

As we were getting ready and I was waiting in the car I watched the rain drops from the sky fall on my windshield- and I realized. What a perfect night!! It was raining on opening night of the play dedicated to rain and the enjoyment of it.

I admit that there were a few things I didn't like about the play, I thought the main character that played Kathy Zeldon was slightly annoying and didn't have any of the charm and grace that Debbie Reynolds had in the movie production. But it still was amazing and the characters that played Don Lockwood and Cosmo more than made up for my lack of admiration for the other lead's role.

The costumes were beautiful and our seats gave us such a close proximity to the actors we could see the sweat on their forheads after the dance numbers.

I think if I could I would attend the theater once a week. It is so amazing to see actors and dancers right in front of you, especially when they act out one of my favorite tales. Perhaps the next show I will see will be my oher favorite movie. Beauty and the Beast comes out in the winter!

The Decorations Were Shocking

Sometimes when we are in the middle of one of our large parties I forget all the work that we put into it. There is often a lot of sweat and toil, lack of sufficient sleep, and sometimes a little pain put into them. This weekend we had a graduation party for my sisters Carrie. She graduated with honors from her high school St. Paul Conservatory for Performing Artists. I was so proud of her and we worked all week long getting ready for her party.

I love lights... Every party and even church events I always enjoy decorating with various colors of Christmas lights. I was putting up lights in the tents in our back yard and having a hard time with it. The lights were brand new out of the box but one of the strands had half of it keep turning off. Which is frustrating after taking the time to put them up. I plugged in a green strand and was about to string it up when it happened. All of a sudden my hand went numb and was vibrating. It took a second to realize that I was getting electrocuted. I dropped the lights and, although I wasn't quite over the shock, went inside to unplug the extension cord leading to the lights.

My hand still felt a little numb and my body was still remembering the feeling of the electricity running through it. It definitely a very interesting experience and one that I hope to not repeat. Needless to say I stopped putting up the lights. I figured people would probably not still be around when it got dark anyways. I still don't understand how it happened since the lights were new out of the box. I guess it doesn't matter too much since I bought them 90% off. It was an interesting start to a fun party.

A Romantic Walk.... Alone

Saturday night I was headed to Target when I saw the beautiful sunset and had a sudden inspiration to go to the Stone Arch Bridge. I knew the view would be lovely at that time of the day. I had not yet been to the bridge in the evening. I was hesitant to go by myself but it was a busy night there because of the Twins' game, so I felt safe walking. The Stone Arch Bridge is one of my favorite places to go in Minneapolis. I would also say that it could be considered one of the top romantic spots in my book. But this night I went alone, perhaps in the future I will have someone to go with, but I was fine tonight. I talked to God as I slowly walked along. It was a beautiful thing.

The dark waters below

It was a beautiful night.

The Guthrie and the Mill City Museum.

Lovely lamps light the way.

I was enthralled by the reflection off the rail.

Oh What a Beautiful Morning!

Today I was inspired to start singing a song from the movie Oklahoma. It is a beautiful morning! I am positioned out on my deck with my computer. I am gazing at our newly transplanted flowers and enjoying the morning air as I am listening to the birds sing. Perhaps they are singing the song as well.

There is nothing quite like having a deck of your own, especially when it is a up higher in the air like ours is. I like the feeling of being set a part from the hustle of the solid ground and having a wide open sky above. Perhaps there is not much sky, I still have a roof to one side and a tree to the other, but at night when it is dark (as dark as it can get in the city) we can still see quite a bit of stars above us.

The door to our deck was covered with plastic all winter. The door was the best way to let the cold in during the winter months. Even though we had plastic and draped some curtains over it our pantry, which is the room the door goes directly into, was freezing. As the days got warmer I could not wait to rip the plastic off and step out onto our little corner outside. It is where we step out to check the weather without having to go downstairs, and we also love to have good friendly chats out here.

Yes I am happy so happy with our lovely little home. God has truly blessed us.

_____________ = a beautiful day

7:30am wake up time =
picking up friends =
fufu coffee =
garage sales =
lots of garage sales =
walking with a bike, 6 pots, bag full of stuff =
many good deals =
festival =
church rummage sale =
lots of laughs =
MOA =
Gap store =
nice pants =
therapeutic massage =
no pain after massage =
groggy feeling =
surprise visit from Ahna =
Aunt Nola here =
Art-a-Whirl =
art in the Casket Company Building =
spotting a Swedish themed mini cooper =
taking photos =
saying strudel =
going to Punch Pizza =
a full table at PP =
creating mood lighting =
giving a tour of house =
making cupcakes =
childhood friends together =
ciaos =
extra people showing up =
pizza =
setting people up =
more to come =

Life

Every once in a while I get overwhelmed with how good God is and how life, despite its pain and hardships, is amazing.

Today was a beautiful day, my allergies were attacking me, but it was just so wonderful! I was recently blessed with a new car. A 2003 Volkswagen Passat, 63,000 miles, leather interior and every little gadget I could ever want, with a price that was a major deal. Several thousand dollars less than the book value. Today I was driving with the music turned up and my windows down, the sun was shining and my hair was blowing in the breeze. It was then that I had an overwhelming sense of how amazing God is as I weaved in and out of the cars on Hennepin Ave. My day wasn't particularly great, but He is so good to give us life! How I love Him!

After getting in trouble for spitting Austin told me, "My teacher said that you have to spit all the time, and if you have children you have to let them spit."

This is a test

A Slow Motion Replay

A couple less U-Turns is all it would have taken to avoid losing my car. I had just purchased my 2000 Volkswagen Jetta about 5 months ago. In that amount of time I genuinely loved it as much as someone should love a material possession. Mr. Darcy wasn't even used to his name yet before the inevitable happened to him. It is funny how little decisions could have changed a lot, but what happened happened and one just has to accept it. Here is my account of the story.

My friends, Alisa, Lis, their mom Sue and I were shopping in Maple Grove yesterday afternoon. We were headed back to the freeway to go home when it happened. It was a traffic light, there was a separate right hand lane to turn right with a yield sign. I was going to turn right onto Hemlock from Elm Creek Blvd but the light changed and I didn't want to gun it to make it in front of the cross traffic. I slowed down and came to a stop, a second later we were all thrust violently forward.

I was hit. I sat their in disbelief staring at my car radio that had popped out of its case. A car horn was blarring and I wondered why the person was still honking at us after the fact. I looked to see if everyone was okay and I we all got out to see the damage. There was a large white SUV behind us and a man got out and opened his hood. His horn was broken so it was blaring and he was trying to figure out how to get it to stop. Everything after that was sort of a blur. Alisa started to call the police. They were their so quickly that I knew they must have been close by.

The damage was horrible, the back window was shattered and the trunk pushed in. Most of the damage was done on the right hand side. At first I had an overwhelming sense of guilt, as if I could have done something different to prevent it. I stopped, cross my arms on the top of my car and laid my head down on my arms. I could not cry but I stood there with my head down. Lis came over to give me a hug. I was so glad I wasn't alone, although I didn't like to have any of my friends go through that.

A tow truck arrived seemingly to come out of no where. The police were asking questions and getting all of our information. I asked everyone "there was a yield sign wasn't there?" I was worried that it was my fault, but no, I was not at fault there was a yield sign and I was simply obeying the laws and yielding to traffic. We started to gather all of our belongings out of the car.

Alisa had just bought some supplies at the pet store. "Do you want the rabbit hay in the trunk?" I asked her, "Oh yes!" she replied. One of the policeman heard a part of the dialog and exclaimed, "you have a rabbit in your trunk?" We all laughed at the thought. Alisa said that you don't put animals in your trunk.

We were trying to get stuff out of the trunk by opening the back seats. I told the policemen that we had a t-shirt press for my dad's business in the trunk. They decided they were going to get it out for me and they went to work. I wasn't paying too much attention to what they were doing. (I was trying to make sure I didn't leave anything important in the car.) Sue told me later that she thought the men had a ton of fun using a crowbar to open it up the trunk and to pry the press out. All our belongings were put on the side of the road.

Oddly enough I remember to look for my Scotland window cling. It came a long ways to be on my window, I looked back at the pile of glass by the turn lane. Alisa saw it and went and rescued it for me. For some reason it was important to me to have.

We were a pretty cheery bunch for what happened to us. After knowing everyone was basically okay it wasn't hard for us to make jokes and keep it happy. I still wanted to cry, the car that I had waited prayed for was a mess. I managed to hold it together. The police told me that they were going to send for an ambulance come by to check me out.

My Dad was out of town so our friend Mike came to pick us up, he gave me a hug and I then I felt my emotions overwhelm me, I just wanted to be gone from that place so I could cry. The ambulance got there so I stepped in and they took my vitals. Everyone else said they were fine. Our stuff was loaded into Mike's car while I was in the ambulance. I shook the policeman's hand, told thank you for his help and then walked to Mike's car and got in with everyone else.

I told them I wanted to cry, and then I did. But it didn't last too long because I realized two other great things to be thankful for that were quite humorous. I thought it was a great thing that I didn't get an oil change that day, and I was talking about getting a car wash for a week. Both services would be quite wasted considering... Haha. Thank God for that.

I am so thankful to God that everyone is okay, we have some soreness and a few bruises but no major damage. Alisa and Sue had some glass they had to empty from their clothing. No blood, always a good thing. I am so thankful for how comforting my friends were.

Well I am back to how it was last summer. No car and I will have to embrace the bus Metro Transit bus system for a while. Hopefully people won't mind picking me up occasionally. I am praying that the insurance stuff goes through quickly!

My poor car! Mr. Darcy! I wanted him to die from old age. Alas, it was not meant to be.




(So I was slightly embarrassed about the two bags of garbage I had in the trunk.)