Motives

The Lord really knows how to convey to me how impure my motives tend to be sometimes, or more truthfully- often. Last year at a conference I was able to connect with a worship team whose leader is one of my heroes and a large contributor to my dance today from his support and encouragement over the years. I had been so overjoyed to be accepted as part of the team and so in looking forward to the conference this year because I was estimating giving of my self more to the team and connecting even more than before. I was looking forward to it so much that my motives become skewed.

Of course I didn't know this fact until I found out last night that my hero actually suggested another team to lead for the conference that he usually leads for. It was after I heard this, that my heart really had to do a work over. I knew that the new team was a good one, an they could do a better job for what the conference needed. But my heart was disappointed, so disappointed that my mind started to go down many paths it shouldn't. The dedication I planned to give to one team wained, and I began to think that it didn't really matter. My gifts would now not be used to their potential and I might as well not go as frequently as I had planned. Why send a note to the worship leader asking if I can practice with them, or pray with them? I couldn't go wholeheartedly into the affair after such a disappointment right?

Ironically the worship leader of the new team also has encouraged me in the dance. She claimed to use me as an example to the dance team that she leads at her church. (She is sort of a superhero... leading a worship team, dance team and being the pastor's wife.) I know that she would welcome my participation and make a place for me as the other team had done. But my heart struggled with begrudging the change. After all it was the only chance of the whole year that I got to dance with the team my hero was on! After a time of soul searching, I realized that I should, and am going to accept the circumstances that have come along and realize that God does all things for the good of those who love Him. Why should I think that the meetings are going to be any less powerful? Or any less anointed?

Oh how far my heart and mind fail in proper thinking and feeling! So as I do this thing, accepting change and embracing the new, my heart goes over David's words is Psalm 19 and I cry out as he did, for God to make me more like Him.

¹² Who can understand his errors?
Cleanse me from secret faults.
¹³ Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins;
Let them not have dominion over me.
Then I shall be blameless,
And I shall be innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴ Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.

Thank you Jesus for redeeming my sins!