Gloominess

It is odd and strange the thoughts that can be brought about on a dark and gloomy night. I am sitting in my home and the moist air is blowing through the doorway from my deck. I love my home, it truly is a retreat and I enjoy being up high.

From this position I am contemplating friendships and what holds or divides them. There was a period in my life where I had no close friends in which to confide or that I could run to. Teenage years in particular. Then there was a large change and all of a sudden I had some great friends in whom I trusted and I knew who loved me and who I could share anything with. But somehow in the last year and a half that changed. With a few it was just because of physical circumstances had them move away from me. I can understand that, and our long distance relationships are still quite strong.

Yet other relationships simply changed and no matter how hard I tried they could not resemble what they used to be, and I have come to a place where I don't even want to try anymore. How long do you reach out to people if they are not reaching back? How I hate change in relationships. Yet there have been so many lately. I am not sure if I can handle anymore changes being thrown at me. Sometimes it makes me want to withdraw into myself, not to share who I am anymore, to keep myself hidden so that I don't feel rejected once again.

My is this a gloomy blog. I so want to hang a large "DO NOT ENTER" sign around my neck and then take it off when I return home to my family. But God doesn't want me to do that. How am I to be like Jesus if I can't be open like He did? He faced the ultimate rejection. Can I just buck up and face the small ones? I so want to bring Him glory in my life- at this point I just feel sort of wretched with all my ill feelings towards others. I don't want to feel this way! I know I must conquer it, and although I feel like conquering it might be impossible, He says in Matthew 19: 26 that all things are possible with Him. So conquer I will- to the best of His ability in me.

I blame part of this blog on the gloomy weather. Even though I sort of enjoy the weather. Yes I tend to contradict myself quite often.