A Blog by Shawn Bolz

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A blog by Shawn Bolz

Blogging again...a day in the life of a vulnerable me
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

This morning I had a dream where I realized I was guarding my heart in friendships that I am in because of past hurt. I woke up and knew I had to pursue some friends and get right with them because they have been suffering because I have allowed myself to be closed or hot and cold with them, not consistent openness because of the pain of betrayal from the near past. The Holy Spirit is a good friend and counselor and He opened me wide today and I saw so much self protection and even hiding in ministry like tucking and ducking in an earthquake. The problem is there is no earthquake right now so there is no reason to tuck and duck.

Then I went to the conference I am involved with this weekend (If you are reading this you can watch it in live streaming still). I'm sitting in a conference about Love Revolution in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Idaho listening to a friend of mine preach and realizing that we need a massive re definition of love. The word has become so watered down and so familiar that we don't even know what it means.

This generation in America is the first generation that has enough opportunity, education available, finances, etc to actually fulfill their dreams, and as I look around there is not only a lack of dreamers, there is a lack or community and relationship that inspires a culture where dreamers are born.

We are missing love. I think of the John Lennon's song "All we need is love, love, love is all we need." And its message is as current now as it was when he first recorded it…as a matter of fact the songs in the 60's and 70's seem to be more of a message for now then they even were then.

So I am realizing that my own heart needs to open in my relationships so that I can love without limit. Even in the job function that I am in, the life that I am living, it is so easy to substitute structure for true relationship or just do a job together and feel like we have intimacy. Its so weird that we even substitute knowing things about each other for knowing who each other really are by sharing life together.

What is keeping us from loving? What is holding us back from being authentic? Completely real and free to even the ones we call close or best friends?

I am on a journey people, and I am pulling my heart up by the bootstraps and choosing to go on a journey that I have never fully given myself to. I want to know what love is.

I am not satisfied with my immature love. I am also not satisfied with just being transparent and vulnerable in relationship. I am not complaining about my friends I am opening up about my own limitations and saying if there is going to be a love revolution that its going to start with us individually.

So how am I starting? Well I have just had heart to heart talks with good friends explaining my desires and asking them to pursue our next season of friendship deliberately and not just in the context of what we do together, minister together, function in together, but love beyond measure and function. I am starting with a new level of openness and also a plan….words without action are dead.

You guys, my heart has always had open areas but I want it fully open and stretched wide.

A few years ago I went to visit an old lady who was in her 80s and she made her kids put her in a nursing home because she wanted one more harvest before she died so she was constantly ministering to the young people who visited their old relatives. She was leading them to the Lord DAILY. She had no business being their medically, she just wanted one more place to love.

When I was visiting with her I asked her "You have a been a Christian who obviously has obeyed God and had incredible things happen your whole life. What has been the hardest thing for you on your journey?"

She looked at me and got tears in her eyes. "Honey, the hardest thing to do as a mature Christian is to keep your heart open (and to love wholeheartedly)."

I cried with her, because in that one statement I could feel the years of betrayel, pain, persecution, misunderstanding, all from people she loved. I could feel the price she had paid to keep her heart open and not shut down even to those who were her friends and family who judged her or didn't get her for seasons at a time, and yet she kept in relationship with them and loved anyway, not letting her heart move on but using the pain to pull them further into love.

I was humbled and now I am asking God to accelerate that journey in me.

How about you? Are you shut down? What process are you taking to get your heart fully open again? Do you need counseling (I did) How about deliverance? (I have) What about just truth? Who is a reflection to you and tells you honestly where you are at? (This is meant for interaction so feel free to comment).